Re: The Tooth Fairy

Bandit Heeler

Brisbane

Queensland

Australia

Dear Bandit,

I enjoyed reading your letter about Bluey's visit from the Tooth Fairy. I don't know the exchange-rate, but I'm surprised someone sold her a toffee apple for five dollars - sounds to me like she got ripped off!

Well, our big news is... Littles lost a tooth!

This freaked me out more than a little because I was expecting it to be at least a year until this started happening. Coming to terms with the fact that my baby isn't a baby is always hard, but when irrefutable biological facts start weighing in on the argument, it's truly infuriating! Perhaps that's why it's so popular to infantilise children by presenting the Tooth Fairy as fact rather than a game. It's an outright rebellion against their growing up!

I noticed it was wobbly when she was eating chopped up apple with peanut butter dip, and complained there was a bit of apple skin stuck between her teeth. Nothing unusual about that, so I went to fetch a flosser, asked her which tooth it was, and when she pointed to it, it moved. "That tooth is wobbly," I told her. She was utterly delighted. "Can I phone Gran and tell her I've got a wobbly tooth?" Which we duly did.

When her mum came home from swimming, she was eager to break the news.

My mind was racing. You see, Bandit, Beloved and I agreed a long time ago to a quite unusual parenting decision regarding Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, et al: full disclosure. It's a game, we all play the game, we all know it's a game. I quite understand if you want to shred this letter once you've read it!

This approach has the advantage that I would be able to do something a bit different with the Tooth Fairy experience. You see, not having to worry about hiding the fact that it's a game frees me up to dress up as the Tooth Fairy and haggle over the price of her teeth! 

My plan involved lots and lots of cardboard (giant sheets) some ring-binders and rubber bands (flapping mechanism) some net curtains, tinsel, glitter, gold and silver make-up, loads of PVA glue and dammit, Bandit, a tiara!

Unfortunately, the errant tooth popped out within a couple of hours of going wobbly! I was on high alert - I just had to make do with whatever I had handy. "Go into the living room with Mummy," I told Littles, "I'll be with you in a minute."

"My tooth came out! My tooth came out!" I could hear Littles crying with delight as she frolicked and pranced around the place.

Right. Ok. What did I have to hand?

What I had to hand was some sort of patchworky blanketty thing; some translucent ballet scarves; a headscarf; and a wooden mask which Beloved has always had and I consider quite hideous.

I have enclosed a photo of the result. Not quite what most people picture when you say "Tooth Fairy", is it? Well for us, it is now!

I knocked as ominously as I could on the living room door. 

"I AM THE TOOTH FAIRY!" I announced in a voice I'd like to think was something like the generic Very Powerful Being voice from Star Trek. "I AM HERE TO NEGOTIATE A FAIR PRICE FOR THE FALLEN TOOTH! WHICH OF YOU HAS LOST A TOOTH?"

"Me!" cried Littles.

"I WILL OFFER YOU AN AMOUNT OF YOUR MORTAL CURRENCY... OF TWO WHOLE PENNIES!"

"Do you think we should accept that? It's not very much!" Beloved intervened. "Do you think we should ask for more?"

"No, take two pennies!" Littles insisted.

"Why?"

"Because I want the Tooth Fairy to be happy."

Bandit, that is not how I saw the negotiation going! "BECAUSE YOU HAVE SHOWN ME KINDNESS," I improvised wildly, "I NOW OFFER FIVE POUNDS OF YOUR MORTAL CURRENCY, TO BE EXCHANGED IN THE TRADITIONAL WAY, LEFT UNDER YOUR PILLOW AT NIGHT! FAREWELL!"

Then I left with a flourish. My idea was to take my gear off in the close and return as Daddy, claiming to have no knowledge of what just occurred. Of course, I locked myself out! I had a moment's worry that a neighbour might come by at that moment (the "Morning Wendy" phenomenon you told me about!) but it didn't happen

Back in my Dad-guise, I knocked the door and Littles let me in.

She threw her arms around me and said "Thank you for being the Tooth Fairy!"

It was nice, Bandit, to have a parenting decision quite so decisively vindicated. Knowing it's a game doesn't spoil the game - not one bit!

Give my love to Chilli and the girls,

All the best,

Alastair.