Re: Christmas

Bandit Heeler
Brisbane
Queensland
Australia

Dear Bandit,

Merry Christmas!

I laughed and laughed at your letter about Verandah Santa. Poor Socks!

It got me wondering how high Santa's standards actually are - my guess is not very! I remember as a kid being furious that, after Christmas, a boy whom I knew had been horrible came back to school boasting of the presents he'd got from Santa. How, I wondered, did he dupe the big man into coming to him?

I wrote a poem about it a couple of years ago, which I'd like to share with you. It does have some naughty words - you might not want to show it to Bluey and Bingo just yet! (Though I expect your Ozzy sensibilities would find it fairly mild!) 

I then found, to my delight, that it can be sung to the tune of "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen".

I call it "Santa's Rant".

You’re told that if you don’t behave,
You won’t get any stuff,
By now I’m sure you’ve realised, that
Is usually a bluff,
But I’ve looked through your record,
And now Santa’s had enough…
For you, dear child, have been a little shit!
You drove your mother mental,
And you cost your dad his job,
And words that Krampus never used
Are often in your gob
You stole your sister’s spacehopper
And left it on the hob!
Yes, you, dear child, have been a little shit!
You poured a hot pot noodle over
Cousin Margaret’s bed,
And left the petrol-mower on
Inside the garden shed,
And dropped a bowling ball upon
The social worker’s head,
Yes you, dear child, have been a little shit!
You kicked your teacher’s shins and then
You ran away from school,
But not before you’d turned the bog
Into a swimming pool
Then you peed on a policeman,
As you shouted “April fool!”
Yes, you, dear child, have been a little shit!
You stuffed a brown banana
Into Lindsay Baker’s shoe,
And when the preacher tried to preach,
You loudly hollered “MOO!”
And I can’t mention what you did
On visiting the zoo!
Yes, you, dear child, have been a little shit!
And at your school’s Nativity,
Of which I hope you’re proud,
You stuffed some worms down Joseph’s pants
To make him scream out loud,
Tore off the Jesus dolly’s head
And tossed it to the crowd!
Yes, you, dear child, have been a little shit!
You’ve managed to disgust and vex,
Disgruntle, and appal
The giver dressed in red
Who has to answer every call,
That’s why, dear child, this Christmas,
You are getting bugger all…
But in your stocking, I have done a shit.
Give my love to Chilli and the girls,

Best wishes,


Alastair.

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