Dear Bandit

Bandit Heeler Brisbane Queensland Australia Dear Bandit, Merry Christmas! I laughed and laughed at your letter about Verandah Santa. Poor Socks! It got me wondering how high Santa's standards actually are - my guess is not very! I remember as a kid being furious that, after Christmas, a boy whom I knew had been horrible came back to school boasting of the presents he'd got from Santa. How, I wondered, did he dupe the big man into coming to him? I wrote a poem about it a couple of years ago, which I'd like to share with you. It does have some naughty words - you might not want to show it to Bluey and Bingo just yet! (Though I expect your Ozzy sensibilities would find it fairly mild!)  I then found, to my delight, that it can be sung to the tune of "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen". I call it "Santa's Rant". You’re told that if you don’t behave, You won’t get any stuff, By now I’m sure you’ve realised, that Is usually a bluff, But I’ve looked through your...

Bandit Heeler Brisbane Queensland Australia Dear Bandit, I enjoyed reading your letter about Bluey's visit from the Tooth Fairy. I don't know the exchange-rate, but I'm surprised someone sold her a toffee apple for five dollars - sounds to me like she got ripped off! Well, our big news is... Littles lost a tooth! This freaked me out more than a little because I was expecting it to be at least a year until this started happening. Coming to terms with the fact that my baby isn't a baby is always hard, but when irrefutable biological facts start weighing in on the argument, it's truly infuriating! Perhaps that's why it's so popular to infantilise children by presenting the Tooth Fairy as fact rather than a game. It's an outright rebellion against their growing up! I noticed it was wobbly when she was eating chopped up apple with peanut butter dip, and complained there was a bit of apple skin stuck between her teeth. Nothing unusual about that, so I went to ...

Bandit Heeler Brisbane Queensland Australia Dear Bandit, Litttles and I have, surpassing all previous efforts, invented the best game ever. Two or more people say "Toast and honey, that's so funny" at gradually increasing volumes, starting with a whisper, until you're yelling it at each other at the top of your lungs, and one of you gives up. Then Littles says "Again!" If you would rather Bluey and Bingo not be made aware of this, I will, of course, respect your wishes, on receipt of a large cash sum. Give my love to Chilli and the girls, All the best, Alastair.

Bandit Heeler Brisbane Queensland  Australia Dear Bandit, I enjoyed reading your letter about taking the children to the creek. It got me thinking about the many ways kids can enjoy nature. Littles and I have recently been making daisy chains. Incidentally, did you know that the word daisy comes from "Day's eye", because it opens in the sun? I think that's pretty cool. Chloe's dad told me that one. Anyway, to make a daisy chain, pick a daisy, and pinch a little hole in the end of the stalk. This may be easier to do with fingernails than claws, but do your best. If you accidentally nip it all the way through, you can nip the end off and start again as long as you don't run out of daisy (so it pays to pick one with a long stalk to begin with!) Push the stalk of the next daisy all the way through, and repeat. Then when you think it's long enough, make a big hole in the last stalk, and push the first head through to make the whole thing into a loop. Littles in...

Bandit Heeler Brisbane Queensland  Australia Dear Bandit, Littles has a new favourite word: "Independent." Its main use seems to be when the clock is racing towards 9am and we are desperately trying to get her dressed. It means we may not help her in any way whatsoever, no matter how much time it would save. Independence is wonderful, but not if it means giving up accepting help. Being an independent person may be, in some ways, similar to being an independent country. I have the misfortune of living in a country that opted, eight years ago, not to be an independent country. It was, at that time, insufficiently grown-up, like when we tried to toilet train Littles and it didn't work because she wasn't ready. We who want independence for Scotland are trying to have the question asked again, but opponents maintain that the answer of eight years ago should stand today. No! We don't want to toilet train! We are proud of our nappies, thank you very much, and are staying...

 Bandit Heeler Brisbane Queensland Australia Dear Bandit, What's the weirdest thing you've ever heard coming out of your own mouth as a parent? I've just had "It takes a lot of energy, being alternately a monster and a little girl." Give my love to Chilli and the girls, All the best, Alastair

Bandit Heeler Brisbane Queensland Australia Dear Bandit, Happy Easter! I really enjoyed reading your letter about the Easter Egg hunt at your house (though you might have spared a few details about the smelly toilet!) Sounds like the Easter Bunny really outdid himself! Littles also had an Easter Egg hunt with considerably simpler clues, culminating in "Who do you think would be hiding the biggest egg?" which was, of course, in a box to which I'd taped a magnificent rendering in my own hand of Dr. Robotnik, AKA Eggman, of Sonic the Hedgehog fame (Picture enclosed).            The other clues led to little eggs, each tucked away with a clue to the next. Naturally, Littles walked straight in, pointed to the Eggman picture and declared "I bet the big one's behind Dr. Eggman!", sparing me the trouble of having written any clues. Much chocolate was consumed, and despite our best efforts to get her to eat something other than chocolate, we got to experience the ph...